Her kisses left something to be desired.... the rest of her.

I only feel stress two times a day, day and night.

Talk is cheep because supply exceeds demand.

All things being equal, you lose.

Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

The two rules of success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.

Nothing is so simple that it can't be screwed up.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again.

Take 20 asprins and you'll feel better, if you wake up.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.

Relax. Only dread one day at a time.

Monday is the root of all evil.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

The problem with reality is the lack of background music.

Don't cound your checks before they're cashed.

Common sense isn't.

Be alert... the world needs more lerts.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune times.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If you can remember the'60s, then you wern't there.

Never hit a man with glasses, hit him with your fist.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge..others just gargle.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

Murphy was an optimist.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Hard work never killed anyone...but why take the chance.

Hire a teenager while they still know it all.

When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.

As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

If you think no one cares, miss a couple of payments.

Murphy's Law only fails when you try to prove it.

If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.

A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Smoking is one of the leading causes ofl statistics.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.

Duct tape is like the force it has a light side and a dark side and hold the universe together. The only difference is saying "May the force be with you," is a lot nicer than saying "May you be covered in duct tape."

Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.

Money is the root of all wealth.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

There are three kinds of people those who can count and those who can't.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.

After all is said and done usually more is said.

Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools.

Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.