The Best Jokes are at JokeCenter.com
| Best Jokes | New Jokes | Cartoons | Joke Videos | Read Jokes | Tell us a Joke | Contact Us |
Categories
Beer Jokes109
Blonde Jokes288
Bush Jokes1
Business Jokes130
Cat Jokes8
Christmas Jokes80
Clinton Jokes46
Computer Jokes75
Confucius Jokes58
Doctor Jokes17
Education Jokes102
Entertainment Jokes44
Female Jokes39
Gender Jokes67
Golf Jokes23
Halloween Jokes40
Hannukah Jokes1
Insults Jokes50
International Jokes18
Jewish Jokes9
Lawyer Jokes68
List Jokes25
Male Jokes35
Mamma Jokes183
Medical Jokes119
Misc Jokes1061
News Jokes10
Pickup Jokes65
Politics Jokes113
Redneck Jokes62
Relationship Jokes266
Religion Jokes169
Scifi Jokes10
Sex Jokes446
Signs Jokes86
Sports Jokes47
Starwars Jokes13
Thanksgiving Jokes18
Viagra Jokes30
 


Return to the Misc Joke List

George Carlin Quotes

Joke submitted by: Anonymous


For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin Quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?



1087 voters gave this joke a 4.1 rating.
How would you rate it?
12345
Terrible (1) < - - > Outstanding! (5)

Read other good Misc jokes?

Send to Friend

digg digg this     delicious add to del.icio.us     StumbleUpon stumble it     Reddit reddit




Join Mailing List
Your E-mail Address:


Search
Search for:


Sponsored Links



| Best Jokes | New Jokes | Tell us a Joke | Contact Us |

| Imagine-NET.com | HouseofQuotes.com | JobsList.com | JokeCenter.com | LinkMania.com | SiteQuick.com |


Copyright 1998-2018 by Imagine-NET Internet Services - All Rights Reserved