The Best Misc Jokes and Joke E-mail List

Q: How do you feel about women's rights?
A: I like either side of them.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, mis-diagnosing it and then mis-applying the wrong remedies.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends . . . may they never meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest . . . ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing . . . if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Time wounds all heels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy ... and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed . . . But we're going back next week.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's to dark to read.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

"Call me a cab!"
Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth."

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . retire!

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.


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