• Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats

meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed

holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about

the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

• Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is

asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every

morning.

• Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as

you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep

looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

• Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for

your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised.

Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."

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• Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her

in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

• Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been

watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that

you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

• Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you

wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.

Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

• Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile

them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are

coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the

consequences.

• Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about

his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate

a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.

• "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in

training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

• Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're

going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack

everything and go to sleep.

• Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am

I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If

your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

• Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it

and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

• Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the

napkin. Throw everything else away.

• Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start

to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with

you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but

keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

• Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops

out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

• Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats

eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

• Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at

your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

• Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and

tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for

several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off

all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

• Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of

the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of

him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

• If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with

a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."

• Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how

they got there.

• Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one

pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

• Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room

and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One

day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,

leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh,

are you dying?"

• Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back

into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

• Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula.

If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."

• Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend

to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was.

Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up

for several weeks.

• Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the

building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,

explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

• Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake

an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards

again.

• While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your

roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

• Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective

student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate

protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings.

Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

• Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the

sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,

where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

• Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the

poor picture quality.

• Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every

day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down

underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to

return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.

• Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after

your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few

days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your

roommate, "He just didn't belong."

• Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and

then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.

Continue this process for several weeks.

• Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate

asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring

you food and water.

• Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for

a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a

crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"

• Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you

were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

• Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your

roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

• Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It

won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.

Repeat the process for a few weeks.

• Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.

Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him

"Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't

do that anymore, Murray."

• Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

• Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows

how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the

room with concern.

• Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and

scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and

then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

• When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming

angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your

mom. She said she'd call back."

• Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go

to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can

come out now."

• Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take

it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"

• Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing.

Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two

players."

• Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw

the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No,

I want to watch them suffer."