9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"